


The Right to Be Angry

by Radenierafire



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: A mostly happy ending?, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Christine Canigula Is My Best Friend, Jeremy Heere Is A Good Guy, M/M, Michael Mell Needs A Hug, Post-Squip, Suicidal Thoughts Briefly Mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-24
Updated: 2018-04-24
Packaged: 2019-04-27 04:26:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14417646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Radenierafire/pseuds/Radenierafire
Summary: I just needed closure, okay?Michael is angry and upset and frustrated and lonely and he can't say any of this. Jeremy can tell that something is wrong.





	The Right to Be Angry

Michael was . . . Alright. Honestly. He was. Things had been a little bit awkward since everything with the squip. Jeremy had this thing going on with Christine, which seemed pretty great. Some part of Michael felt like maybe it wasn’t as perfect as they made it seem, but Michael also knew that he was biased. Regardless, Christine and Jeremy had been becoming really close. They hung out all the time, which was pretty great. It got Jeremy out and about, doing things with all of his new friends. Christine also came with a bunch of new friends although Michael knew that a lot of that was just Jeremy. He knew Jeremy had the potential to be awesome before all of this stuff. Now, Jeremy was just using it.  
They called themselves the squip squad, and if he was keeping with the honesty, Michael had to admit that that was far lamer than anything that he and Jeremy had probably ever done. It made Michael laugh, and he wanted to point out the hypocrisy in it but he wasn’t sure how much of the squad would really take his humor. That was another thing that made things a bit tense between Jeremy and Michael. The squip squad consisted of Jeremy, Christine, Jake, Rich, Chloe, Brooke, and Jenna. All of the teenagers who had experienced being squipped. You know, the experience that Michael never had? Which, don’t get him wrong. He completely appreciated never having to go through that, and he would never intentionally belittle the experience that they all went through. It was just . . . a bit difficult to bond? That was okay though because he wasn’t really the one that needed to bond with them. They were all there for Jeremy. Michael was so happy for him.  
He supposed that he missed Jeremy a bit. A lot. So much. However, Michael didn’t miss the kind of interactions they had now. With everything that had changed? They were both busy. Very busy. It made it difficult to spend time with one another. When they did spend time together things just- weren't the same. They didn’t click like they used to. Michael knew that most of that was on him and on how much he’d been keeping from Jeremy but he also knew that he really needed to keep his shit to himself because all it would do is mess up the progress that Jeremy was making. So instead of spending time with Jeremy, Michael had been making a lot of excuses to avoid having to spend any time with Jeremy.  
As of now, Michael was hoping to make a quick drop off at Jeremy’s house. He had a game of Jeremy’s that he wanted to give back, but he- kind of didn’t want to go through the whole awkward experience of having to make small talk with his best friend. Not since it felt like he was making small talk with a complete stranger. He didn’t see Christine’s car in the driveway, and he did see Jeremy’s dad’s. That was promising. Usually, Jeremy tried to avoid being home with only his dad. Plus, Michael heard something about the squip squad going out tonight altogether. Michael grabbed the spare key and opened the front door out of old habit. He shut it behind him and looked over. Mr. Heere smiled some, “Well, Hey Michael. Long time no see.”  
Michael blushed, “Oh- hey. I should have knocked.”  
“Oh? Is that the kind of stranger you are now?” Mr. Heere asked with a slight laugh. “Somehow I thought you were still closer than that.”  
“Am I?” Michael asked softly. Mr. Heere was one of the only people who knew a bit more of Michael’s side.  
“Yes. I think so.”  
Michael nodded some and thought about that. He wasn’t quite sure what he should do with that information. “I’ll bear that in mind.” He agreed softly.  
Mr. Heere nodded, “Alright, so what’s up man? Why are you here?”  
“Oh- I just had a game of Jer’s I wanted to drop it off before I headed out,” Michael explained.  
“Yeah? Are you going to that internship? With the video game company? Do you still do that?” Mr. Heere inquired with interest.  
Michael smiled ever so slightly, “Actually yeah- I forgot I told you about that.”  
He laughed, “Yeah, I know things sometimes.”  
“I know, I know. Uh, yeah. That’s what I’ve got tonight. Technically it’s more of a workshop night, but I didn’t have any like- plans? Tonight. So, I said I’d be there. I don’t know if anyone would notice if I weren’t there?” Michael said and then caught himself. He was trying to ramble less. He knew it was a bit of a problem. Mr. Heere just smiled.  
“Alright, well, know that if you wanna talk about it, you can talk to me about it. Okay? I don’t know much about the games you boys play, but, you know.” He offered.  
Michael just smiled some and nodded a bit, “Of course. I- might actually take you up on that.” He agreed. Mr. Heere had always been a bit of a paternal figure for him since his own father had passed away. That shifted a bit after Jeremy’s mom left, but- there was still a bit of an understanding. Mr. Heere would never try to be a parent for Michael, but he would always offer his parental services if they were needed.  
Michael headed up towards Jeremy’s room. He assumed that it would be empty so he just swung the door open. It was not empty. Not at all. Jeremy and Christine looked up and pulled apart from on the bed. Michael felt his face go bright red and he froze in his place just kind of staring at them. Jeremy looked- mildly shocked and a bit embarrassed but otherwise he was used to Michael just barging in. Something passed over his face that Michael couldn’t quite read, but he thought it may have been the realization that no, Jeremy wasn’t used to Michael barging in anymore. Christine, on the other hand, looked very shocked and somewhat uncomfortable, but it only lasted a moment. Then she was back to being all smiles. She wiggled to the edge of the bed and looked at Michael with a wide grin. “Hey! Michael, how have you been?”  
Michael shifted and cleared his throat, “Uh- I’m . . . alright?”  
“You sure?” Jeremy asked with a slight laugh that seemed to shake Michael out of it.  
“Yes. I’m positive.” He said with a smile and then awkwardly lifted the game in his hand. “I came to drop this off. Sorry- I didn’t realize you were here.” He explained.  
Christine giggled, “And it would have been less weird if you had come into Jeremy’s room without him here?”  
Michael nodded ever so slightly. “Yeah?”  
She smiled some and scrunched her face, “Ah, okay! Anyway, are you staying?”  
“Oh- No. I have to go- plus you guys were all going out tonight anyway.” He excused and set the game on Jeremy’s desk.  
Jeremy frowned, “I was going to invite you . . . “  
“Nah, it’s cool man. I have plans tonight. Plus- it kind of seemed like a squad thing? So, I wasn’t gonna intrude.” He said quickly.  
“But-” Jeremy started.  
Michael interrupted and shook his head. “Seriously. It’s alright. I should go.”  
Jeremy was staring at Michael and Michael felt like melting. Jeremy looked like the Jeremy Michael remembered. Splayed on his bed, comfortable with his company. A lazy smile. Just awkward and lanky and weird and completely content with being like that in Michael’s presence. The thing was? It wasn’t Michael that Jeremy had been hanging out with. It was Christine. Who was also staring at Michael? Her gaze looked like it was digging into Michael’s heart. He was a bit- uncomfortable so he just nodded and did a little wave. “Right. Bye.” He said and turned, wanting to escape this all.  
Christine shifted some and got up, “Michael?”  
“Yes?” He froze in the doorway.  
She walked over and grabbed his hand. “Talk to him.” She demanded gently.  
Michael frowned, “Come again?”  
“Talk to me,” Jeremy repeated softly and shifted, taking over Christine’s part on the edge of the bed.  
Christine smiled some, “I’m going to head out.”  
Michael paused and shook his head, “You don’t have to-”  
“No. I don’t, it’s alright.” She said softly and shook her head. “But I feel like this has gone on long enough?”  
Michael watched her walk out and he glanced over at Jeremy, “Nothing is going on. I’m sorry for ruining your date.” He said softly.  
Jeremy shook his head. “It wasn’t really a date, we were just hanging out.”  
“Right, well, you and I never did that when we hung out.” Michael joked, but Jeremy just stayed quiet. Michael shifted some and looked down. “I’m sorry- Look, there’s nothing to talk about. We’re good.”  
Jeremy nodded, “We are?”  
“Yeah, of course,” Michael reassured.  
“Well, that sucks, because- this isn’t the friendship I remember,” Jeremy said. There was an edge to his voice and Michael couldn’t figure out what it was.  
“Jer, nothing is wrong. We’re just- growing up. Everything is fine between the two of us.” He said softly.  
Jeremy shook his head, “No. It’s not.”  
Michael was- a little bit shocked by that. Jeremy wasn’t usually the confrontational type. Although, he had changed a lot recently. Michael looked up at Jeremy and swallowed hard. Jeremy was looking at him evenly. This Jeremy had- truly grown up. So much. Michael wondered how he’d missed that. How he had blinked and suddenly Jeremy was better? More confident, and happier. At what point did Jeremy stop being that kid who ran away from the bullies instead of just talking to them? He swallowed hard and looked back down, Jeremy sighed.  
“You know. Rich and I have been going to a group therapy thing.” He said softly. “For the past couple of weeks. I’ve been getting better. So has he. He went through the squip a lot longer than I did, but we’re both going through the same process. Understanding that, yeah, parts of it were definitely our fault.”  
“It wasn’t-” Michael tried.  
“No. It was. Just like Rich, I chose to take the squip. I chose to listen to it. I chose all of this.” Jeremy said, and Michael felt the words die in his throat. Jeremy nodded and continued. “So, we’re figuring out how to accept the responsibility for the choices we made and actions we took. And along the way, we’re learning how not to hold it against ourselves. You know? How to say: Yes. I fucked up. I hurt myself and others and that wasn’t okay. However, I’m going to learn from that. I’m going to grow.” He explained. “I’m going to recognize that I’m allowed to feel guilty, in fact, I should. But I shouldn’t let that prevent me from trying to better myself and mend the relationships I broke.”  
Michael nodded some and took a deep breath, “That- sounds very wise.”  
“Yeah? I know. But what exactly do I do when the biggest person I hurt won’t stay with me long enough to have a conversation? A real conversation.” He stated evenly, no anger in his voice.  
Michael swallowed hard, “You didn’t hurt me- I’m okay.” He said.  
“No. You aren’t.” Jeremy said softly and stood, walking over and gently grabbing Michael’s hand. “Hey. Look at me?” He requested gently. Michael looked up slowly. “It’s alright to not be okay.”  
“It wasn’t your fault. I have no reason to be mad at you.” Michael scolded, though it didn’t quite sound like he was talking to Jeremy.  
Jeremy scoffed, “Really? Are you gonna stand there and tell me I didn’t upset you? At any point? That I didn’t choose Christine over you? That I didn’t choose popularity over you? That I didn’t choose the squip over you? You’re going to stand there and tell me that didn’t hurt?” He pushed.  
Michael pulled his hand out of Jeremy’s, “So that you can freak out at me and I’ll have to comfort you? Or so that you can leave again?” He snapped and then froze.  
Jeremy stared at Michael for a moment.  
Michael dropped his gaze, “I’m sorry- I- Didn’t mean to say it like that- I know that you have anxiety. I know this was a traumatic experience for you. For all of you- I’m sorry- I didn’t mean it like that. You know- I wouldn’t- hold your anxiety against you-”  
“Then why are you holding yours against yourself?” Jeremy asked.  
Michael blanked slightly, “What?”  
Jeremy sighed and resisted the urge to hold Michael’s hand again. He wouldn’t push physical touch. “Micah . . . you don’t have to walk on eggshells with me.” He said, his voice just above a whisper. “I appreciate how much you care for me- more than you’ll ever know. And you’re right. A little while ago? If you had lashed out at me directly after the squip? I most likely would have had an anxiety attack. But. You should not have to suppress how you’re feeling because of that.” He explained. “As well as, now? I’m alright. I’m getting better. I won’t lie and say that I don’t still have some- shit to get through, but you deserve to be angry with me. Okay? You’re allowed to. I don’t want you to care so much about me that you neglect your own emotional health.”  
“I- I wasn’t trying to-” Michael started. He stopped when he saw Jeremy smile and shake his head.  
“I know. Honestly, Micah, I don’t think it’s crossed your mind that you weren’t taking care of yourself. You- care so deeply, you know? It’s one of my favorite things about you. I think you were so wrapped up in trying to figure out how best to behave around me that you didn’t even think about letting yourself be upset. But you deserve to be. Okay? I fucked up. Michael. I fucked up. And it’s okay for you to admit that. You aren’t harming me by saying that I wasn’t a good friend to you because I wasn’t. Okay? I wasn’t.” He said and shifted some, watching Michael carefully. Michael stared at the ground and Jeremy knew that he was trying to keep calm. His arms wrapped tightly around his chest, and his breathing measured. Michael wasn’t a fan of confrontation. He hated upsetting people. Jeremy wanted Michael to understand that he wasn’t hurting Jeremy by acknowledging this. Finally, Michael spoke up, his voice hoarse and his breathing thick.  
“Why wasn’t I good enough for you?” He whispered. “Was- our friendship- important to you?” Michael knew it was dramatic.  
“It wasn’t really a matter of importance to me,” Jeremy admitted honestly. “It was greed.” He explained. “I had you. I didn’t think there was anything I could do to lose you- I wanted more.”  
Michael swallowed hard and nodded. “I want to be happy for you.” He breathed.  
“You can be happy for me and mad at me at the same time,” Jeremy said softly.  
“You left me.” Michael’s hands were shaky.  
Jeremy finally dropped his gaze and nodded. “I know.”  
“More than once.”  
“Yes.”  
“You chose that thing over us.”  
“I- . . . I did.”  
“I wanted to die.”  
Jeremy looked up, “What?”  
Michael stared intently at the same spot on the ground. “I- thought about it. For the first time in a while. I really- honestly- I wanted it.”  
Jeremy felt the guilt slip through his chest again, but he nodded slowly. “Michael. I’m sorry.” He said. It occurred to him that- he hadn’t actually apologized very much to Michael. “I’m so sorry.”  
“I- wanted to be good enough for you. More than anything. I wanted to make you happy. Thought that the only way I could do that was- make sure you had everything you wanted. Including popularity. But I couldn’t give that to you. So, I supported the squip. I just- I thought I could come with- That you’d get your friends but- you’d still have me. Why couldn’t you still have me?” Michael asked, his brows furrowing. “Even if you didn’t like me the way you liked Christine- I know people teased you for hanging out with the gay guy but- why couldn’t-” He paused and shut up. “And now all of this feels so petty because- god, he hurt you. Physically hurt you. And you didn’t deserve that, and I don’t want to add to all of that. I don’t want to blame you for when you were made a victim. I just- I feel so- nervous- like everything I do is going to be wrong to you. Like- maybe you’re looking for another reason to drop me. Like if I repeat something you’ll realize the squip was right and you’ll decide to drop me again- but- I don’t know what went wrong the first time so I don’t know what not to repeat-” He caught himself, realizing that he was rambling and breathing heavily. He swallowed hard. “I- . . . I- . . . feel like it was selfish? Because I was so happy. That I didn’t notice that you weren’t until it was too late.”  
Jeremy listened to Michael rant and, of course, his heart broke. “It was never my conscious intent to hurt you.” He said slowly. “But- I think there were times where I knew my decisions would hurt you.” He admitted, “And- I don’t have a reason for it. I shouldn’t have.”  
“I don’t want to upset you-” Michael started.  
“You aren’t. Alright? If anything you’re making it so much better.” Jeremy said. “Because now I understand better. Okay? I get it much more now. Exactly how deep it hurt you. How much I need to repair. It’s okay. Alright? It will be alright. But you have to let me try to fix things. Not- fix them, but . . . you have to let me reassure you. Let me be there for you. To prove that you can trust me. I want you to be able to trust me again, and I have to work for that.”  
Michael swallowed hard and nodded some. “I want us to be okay.” He said softly.  
“First you have to admit that we aren’t right now.” Jeremy reminded.  
Michael nodded ever so slightly again, “We aren’t okay.” He acknowledged.  
“But we will be,” Jeremy said softly.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm kind of thinking of adding a fluffy part later on? I have something in mind for like, a little while later? After some trust has been built back up? Something happy and good. I have not decided. Let me know if you'd be interested in reading something like that? Also, thank you so much for reading! :D <3


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